The Year I Found Space to Breathe

About 9 months ago my therapist asked me what I thought failure looked like. I said not having a job and having to move home. 

Just a month ago, I found myself back living at home without a job,  a situation I might once have called failure. And yet, it is turning out to be the one of the best things that has ever happened to me. 

On April 14 2024, there was an active shooter in my apartment building. It was a neighbor. It went on for hours. Jack was at work and Prudy and I hid in the bathtub with the lights off. I had to send a text to my parents that what I imagine would be any parents nightmare. The feeling of being unsafe at my home sent me into a state of survival.  So I sought out a therapist because I felt like I could not breathe. My job was also so stressful that I was having heart pain and often tearing up on my drive in.  A pain and weight in my chest I thought was normal. I was in a state of survival at all times, at home and at work.  I’ve always been a high achiever. It’s all I’ve ever known. For a long time, I was constantly tense and overwhelmed, carrying more than I could handle. It took therapy and space to realize I needed to slow down, set boundaries, and give myself permission to ask for help.

Today. Today is different. Today I went to yoga class, I’m now walking and writing in a wildlife refuge. And tonight I’m taking a spin class, I’m training to be an instructor. Then I’m having dinner with my parents and my husband. If a year ago you told me this would be my life, I couldn’t have even dreamt it.  I can breathe. 

I have the space to think. To breathe. To learn. What do I love. What is next? These questions have felt really big lately. I felt like I was the only one who didn’t have it figured out. But the more I’ve opened up about it, I’ve learned that in a way everyone is in this boat. There will always be things that God and the universe have in store that will change all the plans we made for ourselves. But feel it’s better that way. And in the meantime, I’m learning to treat myself with grace and kindness. And the space to see the path in front of me. 

I’ll end by saying that I quickly have found part-time and freelance work that keeps me busy and stimulated. I’m finding a rhythm that allows me to grow into this next chapter without feeling rushed. I know how lucky I am to have a supportive husband and parents helping me find this space, so I end this with so much gratitude to them, and all those supporting me on this journey.